How the Drama Triangle can help you understand and avoid conflict

Q: How do nice people end up having dysfunctional conversations in meetings?

A: They get into a Drama Triangle

 

Some one says something and other people react in a certain way - and suddenly we’re in a ‘dynamic’ and nothing good is getting done. This happens alllll the time in meetings.

Stephen Karpman used the Drama Triangle to explain how we can get into destructive interactions through a triangle of actors: persecutors, victims and rescuers.

Over time, these dynamics undermine relationships and can lead to toxicity (a persistently harmful relationship or culture).

The Drama Triangle is the route in - and understanding it is the route out.

So let’s talk about what it is, how to spot it and how to get out of it.

 

What you need to know.

There are three parts to the triangle.

The victim:

- Feels: “Poor me!”

- Acts: Powerless, defensive

- Why?: Easier and more comfortable to pass the responsibility for the problem to someone else or attributes it to something outside their control.

- Problem: Sets someone or something else up as the Persecutor. Fails to change the problem at hand.

 

The persecutor (or villain):

- Feels: “It’s your fault”

- Acts: Blaming, critical, rigid

- Why? More comfortable to locate blame in someone else. Feeling of superiority.

- Problem: Perpetuates the Victim’s self-justification. Also fails to change the problem at hand.

 

If you think this sounds a lot like a Parent-Child dynamic, you are bang on the money.

 

But wait, there's a plot twist

The tension between the Victim and the Persecutor invites a third role to emerge - the Rescuer. The theory is that where there is high tension between two parties, they reach out to a third party to reduce the tension.

The Rescuer

- Feels: “I must help!”

- Acts: “Let me take the problem away”

- Why?: Avoidance of conflict, boost to self-esteem and identity

- Problem: Keeps the Victim feeling powerless. May solve a short term problem but perpetuates the root cause.

 

And here they all are. Can you see how they keep reinforcing each other?

 

And there is one more plot twist 

Unfortunate reality: the triangle is dynamic and we switch roles all the time. 

For example, once the Rescuer enters the dynamic, the Persecutor can start to feel outgunned and like THEY are the Victim. 

Or another common one is the Rescuer gets fed up of Rescuing everyone with little thanks (or change) from anyone else and THEY start to feel/act like a Persecutor - “I’ve helped you with this a million times and you’re STILL doing it wrong - well that’s on you now” or the Victim - "Why do I always end up sorting this stuff out?"

Or the Victim feels emboldened by the Rescuer and starts on a bit of persecution themselves: “If you’re going to criticise my work, then why shouldn’t I criticise yours?”

You see how this gets toxic quickly? 

 

The big problem is that being in the Drama Triangle encourages us to feel justified in our thoughts and actions.

Victim - “They are clearly being awful”

Persecutor - “They are clearly being incompetent”

Rescuer - “Clearly, I’m doing the right thing by stepping in here”

  

Fully understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle, gaining true self awareness of our own role in it, stepping ourselves and our teams out of it - well that’s a lifetime’s work and way beyond the scope of a single newsletter.

So here’s my guide for the mere mortals in the here and now.

 

Now you can see it… 

Awareness is the greatest agent for change! Once you’ve clocked Karpman’s Drama Triangle, you won’t see the world the same way ever again!

The crucial shift here is this is how good people end up behaving in unhelpful ways, without malice or intention.

There can be no finger pointing when we’re looking through the lens of the Drama Triangle or we are back in the Drama Triangle. 

“She’s always persecuting people like us! I need to stop this…” See what I mean.?!!

The response to cultivate in yourself is:

1. “Ahhhh I see what might be going on here”

quickly followed by

2. “And I need to start by acknowledging my own role in the triangle” 

 

Getting out of the Drama Triangle

What next? Do you talk to people about The Drama Triangle? “Hey! Let me show you what’s going on here!” 

*runs to get markers and a whiteboard

No. Not in the moment. But it is something you can talk about in a reflective session with plenty of space, time and ideally a good facilitator/coach (could be you, could be someone else).

This is very sensitive stuff which goes to the core of your identity. Treat it with respect.

The good news is you can help everyone find an exit without explicitly naming the Drama Triangle, just by flipping the roles.

 

If you feel you are in the position of Rescuer, flip that to Coach.

Help the others investigate what they want, what their options are and how they might get it. Listen to problems without making them yours to solve.

You might say: “What’s in YOUR power here?” “I believe you can do this”

 

If you feel you are in the position of Victim - flip that to Creator

Intention: How can I create a solution myself?

You might say to yourself: “I have power here. I can change things."

You might say to others: “What I need is… can we do that?”

 

If you feel you are in the position of Persecutor - flip that to Challenger

Make requests, set expectations, set boundaries, offer support.

You might say: “I need this by then. What support do you need?”

 

The important thing is that flipping your own role is enough to encourage others to flip theirs - that's the power of the triangle where these roles occur together.

Break the link and everything flips....